More wisdom from the 'Cod's Head'.

Thinking that you have all probably had enough of me for a bit, and that it was about time we had another subtle contribution from our friend Brian at ‘The Cod’s Head’, I dropped in for a half of the ‘Betty Stoggs’ and a packet of ‘Burt’s Crisps’, with my little pocket recorder in my jacket. This is a transcription of an early evening ‘conversation’ at ‘the Cod’s Head’.




“Dining out again are we Squire? Ha, ha, ha!”



(I am not one of Brian’s regulars, as you might gather, not one of his best customers, but he is pleased to let me record his witticisms and bon mots, for what he calls posterity, at which, his little audience grins appreciatively.)



“I’ll tell you what, I’ll tell you what; if things go on like this there’s not going to be a lot of dining out in this country. Not going to be a lot of dining out anywhere in Europe either is there? Restaurants going bust all over the place, and nearly every pub in Cornwall is up for sale. Some of em been on the market for years. You ask Jim here. Is that right Jim?”



“Oh yes, true enough Brian, true enough. Very difficult to find a buyer for a public house in the current climate, very difficult indeed, very difficult”.



(James Trevithick, a Truro estate agent, deals mainly with commercial properties.)



“I’ll tell you what, If that Alex Salmond has his way we’d all be a sight better off. Am I right? It would do this country a bit of good if we could get the Scots off our backs. If Scotland is such a great place what are so many of them doing down here in England? Answer me that! Doctor Johnson said that the best prospect that a Scotsman would ever see was the highroad to England, and he should know, right? The Houses of Parliament are stuffed with em, stuffed with em! The last government was full of Scots and now we even have one for prime minister! Am I right? Mind you, I don’t blame em for coming down here, if you was born up there you would wouldn’t you? Nobody would choose to be born Scottish if they had the choice would they? Course not, course not! Bloody obvious innit?



“Good evening sir, what’ll it be? - - - - Anything else? No sir, we don’t do bar food, we have crisps, pork scratching, nuts, or a pickled egg. Right then, that’ll be six pounds thirty Squire.”



“Where was I Jim? Oh yes, Scotland and that bloody man Alex Salmond! Billions! That’s what Scotland costs us every day in subsidies, billions, AND they get free university education, AND free prescriptions, AND free care for the elderly, all paid for by us down here in England. It’s anomalous, that’s what it is, bloody anomalous! I for one will be glad to see the back of em. Not that there aren’t some decent Scotsmen about of course, and as I say, it’s not really their fault being Scottish is it? Nobody asks to be Scottish for Christ’s sake do they?”



“I’m not the only one mind you. I read in the paper yesterday that if there was a referendum in Scotland and England, the Scots would vote to stay in the Union, while the English would vote for em to leave. Am I right?” I reckon that if we get rid of em we should make em pay back some of the money we’ve spent on em over the years. They can keep the oil; cheap at twice the price. The oil and gas are running out anyway. Do you ever listen to the radio? Can’t hear an English voice on there half the time can you? If it’s not a totally unintelligible Scots accent, its Welsh, Pakistani, Caribbean or some such. We’d be better off shot of the lot of em, Northern Irish as well. They’re all a drain on this country and..”



“Yes sir, thank you sir”



“Alex salmond? Don’t talk to me about Alex Salmond, he says he can keep the pound if he gets independence whether we like it or not! Keep the pound! I ask you! The bloody cheek of the man! Typical Scotsman, too bloody mean to fork out to join the Euro Zone. Why don’t they invent their own currency then? I’ll tell you why not, I’ll tell you why, because it wouldn’t be worth a sou, thats why. I’ll tell you what Salmond is, a Scotsman on the make!



“What’s a sou then Brian?”



(That question came from the truculent youngster Dicky Burley, who smirked at the cleverness of his own remark.)



“A ‘sou’, Mister clever Dick, Mister Dick clever, is a virtually worthless old French coin. Am I right Jim”



“Indeed you are Brian, indeed you are, it comes from the French word ‘sol’ which in turn comes from the Latin, ‘Solidus’. In fact, there is some doubt that there was actually ever such a coin as a ‘sou’ which was probably merely a slang term for any small coin”.



(This explanation was greeted with quite a long silence.)



“Well I’ll tell you what! I tell you what! We should have got rid of Northern Ireland years and years ago, when the Irish got their independence. Am I right? Years and years of bloody conflict over a god forsaken, cold, wet, windswept scrap of land full of bigotry and superstition. Just think of the cost of all that in lives and money! Let’s give Scotland back to the Scots I say, whether they want it or not. The ones down here should be encouraged to go back, and take their kilts and bagpipes with em! And, while we’re at it, Wales and the Falkland Islands can bugger off as well. Perhaps after that we shall all be dining out again in England!”



“I don’t know how many of you have been to Scotland, but I have, and I can tell you that they are not called dour for nothing! Talk about unfriendly! You won’t find a friendly pub like this North of the border. Doctor Johnson also said that seeing Scotland was like seeing a worse England. It’s a land of oat cakes, Calvinism and sulphur! What do you recon Jim?”



“Well, I’ve tried to like Scotsmen all my life Brian, but I confess I have had to give it up as a bad job. I went there once on business; never again! It rained the whole fortnight and if I went into a pub it would go so quiet you could hear a pin drop, and never a smile. The further North you go the worse it seems to get. Not only that, but I have a Scots mother-in-law.”



“Enough said Jim! I’ll tell you... Good evening Squire! What can I get you?”



Thought for the week: “I prefer to sail in Italian ships. There’s none of that nonsense about women and children first.” Noel Coward.

Getting on.......

Pip-pip,

The Leg.