More from "The Cod's Head".

Guest Blogger Brian,

Landlord of "The Cod's Head".

I got chatting to Brian, the landlord of “The Cod’s Head”, the other lunchtime, and talking about blogging and Twitter and stuff I eventually asked him if he would like to write something for my blog as a “guest” blogger.  Brian said he didn’t think he could do that as he had to leave school early to help run the family pub in Norfolk, his dad having run off with the barmaid.  I suggested he might let me record something on my pocket voice recorder and he agreed.  Later that evening he was chatting to a few of us regulars so I switched it on…

“I think it must be the Empire what made us what we are, us English right?  Being English and having an Empire gave us a special view of the world, to people not English, ifyouseewhatImean….. Having an Empire makes you realise that most of the world is really sort of English, and not as foreign as it is for other people right?  That’s why we can travel anywhere we go and feel at home.  We can travel anywhere and feel at home because it’s really ours anyway, but now of course it’s lived in mostly by foreigners right?.........

Not being English, being a foreigner, must be very strange and difficult I should think.  I mean we can go anywhere we like and be English right? But they always have to be foreign don’t they?  Wherever they are, they’re foreign right?  They don’t really belong anywhere do they!....

Being British is not so bad of course, not as bad as being actually totally foreign.  Being British was part of it.  All kinds of Scotsmen and Welshmen and even the Irish went out to help us rule the Empire right? But you wouldn’t actually choose to be a Scotsman would you?  Not unless you were Scotch already of course.  That’s why they all come down here to England right?.....  And being Welsh must be bloody miserable.  I mean, being stuck with that ridiculous accent for starters right?  I mean, I know we have funny accents here in England, like those whinging Liverpudlians, or the moaning Brummies, but at least it’s an English sort of an accent.  Am I right?  The Cornish people round here have an accent right? But it’s a real, strong, English accent right?..........  Strong people the Cornish! “Quiet but violent folk” they say.  Me, me I come from Norfolk, but you wouldn’t never know it now because I gave it up, gave up my accent over the years, working all over England, and abroad.

I mean…… you just imagine what it must be like to be a foreigner and having to come here to England to try and make a living.  I can’t think why anyone would do that, not unless they were desperate.  Unless they come here from some country that was total crap right?  Fancy being a foreigner in England…  I mean, you wouldn’t want to be foreign anywhere would you, but specially here, where we’re all English.  Look, you’re English right?  You can go to somewhere, really, really foreign like say Ethiopia, Ethiopia right?  You can go to Ethiopia, not speaking a word of Ethiopian or whatever it is they speak, but you can go there and do alright, make yourself understood because you’re English.  You can get by all right with sign language and stuff right?  But if one of them comes here on holiday he’d be totally lost right?  If he didn’t speak a word of English, your Ethiopian would starve to death here……. I don’t think an Ethiopian would come here on holiday at all, not if he didn’t speak English.  That’s because of the Empire that is!  That’s what in means to be English.  I mean you’re never going to be a foreigner are you?

Now look, don’t misunderstand me.  Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying right?  I’m not talking about race here am I?  I’m talking about being English, not race.  Your black man can do whatever he likes as far as I’m concerned, as long as he does it in Africa or wherever, and it’s often white people who are just as foreign anyway right? And most of them don’t even know it!  Take the Italians.  Italians think they are the bee’s knees.  Am I right?  The Italians think they’re the bee’s knees because they don’t know any better do they?  They’ve never been English see.  They’ve never had an Empire because they don’t know how to do it.  The Romans, the Romans, they had an Empire because they were more like us then see, but Italians aren’t Romans are they?  Not with their bleeding winkle pickers and shiny suits and scooters there not……..

I’m not a racist…..  As soon as you start saying anything about England some people call you a racist.  I’m not having that!  There all the same as far as I’m concerned, Italian, Jew, Ethiopian, whatever!  They’re all foreign, but that’s not there fault is it?  They can’t help being foreigners.  They never had any choice in the matter, right?  I like foreigners me.  Me and the misses go abroad all the time; Seychelles last year.  We love it.  Wherever an Englishman goes, there he is, right?  But take this pub, take this pub, you won’t see anything like this in the Seychelles, not anywhere!....

Yes squire, I will have a small one with you – cheers!”

I have only edited out comments from the “regulars” and calls for more beer etc.

Pip, pip,

The Leg.